that Saddam's influence on the nutritional habits of
Americans should not be taken lightly. "This
problem strikes at the very heart of our nucular
family," he emphasized."
Bush: "Saddam to Blame for
(War on Obesity Planned)
Posted March 26, 2003
by Keetjie Ramo
President Bush announced today
that Saddam Hussein is responsible for the burgeoning problem of obesity in
America. According to the President, recent satellite photos reveal
overweight Americans wolfing down supersize meals at MacDonald's and Wendy's
outlets. In the photos, newspapers with articles about Saddam Hussein are
lying about in plain sight, he said. The President stated that U.S.
intelligence agencies have warned that Americans are stuffing themselves to
numb their fears of imminent attacks on America by Iraqi forces.
This morning the President briefly consoled a morbidly obese man he
encountered on his run with members of the press. The man, unemployed
computer programmer Eli Pelletier of Georgetown, later told reporters,
"I told Bush that if Saddam Hussein and his buddy Obi Wan Kenobi try to
contaminate our food supply, I figure my best survival strategy is to have
plenty of fat reserves."
Bush warned that Saddam's influence on the nutritional habits of Americans
should not be taken lightly. "This problem strikes at the very heart of
our nucular family," he emphasized.
To kick off his War On Obesity, Bush stated that he'll dedicate 36 million
dollars to placing crisis counselors in the outlets of American food chains.
In addition, according to his proposal, supersize meals will be banned from
commercial food outlets on U.S. soil until the Iraqi dictator is removed
from office. To counteract any deleterious effects of this ban on the U.S.
economy, the President announced that the U.S. government will purchase from
a major fast food chain hundreds of thousands of Happy Meals, which American
planes will drop on Iraqi villages during the bombings.
"Dropping food on villages while we bombed them was enormously
effective during the War on Terror in Afghanistan," Bush stated,
"but at the same time, we couldn't help thinking that we were missing
an opportunity to introduce American culture to the folks who survived the
bombings. This is a way to export our culture and help the U.S. economy at
the same time."
The White House reported today that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge
will televise a series of public service announcements encouraging Americans
who can't resist the urge to overeat to seal their mouths shut with duct
tape until the urge passes. Meanwhile, reporters learned that the money to
fund the War On Obesity will come from cutbacks in the food stamps and
school lunch programs.
© Copyright 2003 All rights reserved by