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Bush warned that Saddam's influence on the nutritional habits of Americans should not be taken lightly. "This problem strikes at the very heart of our nucular family," he emphasized."



Bush: "Saddam to Blame for Epidemic"
(War on Obesity Planned)

Posted March 26, 2003
thepeoplesvoice.org

by Keetjie Ramo


President Bush announced today that Saddam Hussein is responsible for the burgeoning problem of obesity in America. According to the President, recent satellite photos reveal overweight Americans wolfing down supersize meals at MacDonald's and Wendy's outlets. In the photos, newspapers with articles about Saddam Hussein are lying about in plain sight, he said. The President stated that U.S. intelligence agencies have warned that Americans are stuffing themselves to numb their fears of imminent attacks on America by Iraqi forces.
     
This morning the President briefly consoled a morbidly obese man he encountered on his run with members of the press. The man, unemployed computer programmer Eli Pelletier of Georgetown, later told reporters, "I told Bush that if Saddam Hussein and his buddy Obi Wan Kenobi try to contaminate our food supply, I figure my best survival strategy is to have plenty of fat reserves."
     
Bush warned that Saddam's influence on the nutritional habits of Americans should not be taken lightly. "This problem strikes at the very heart of our nucular family," he emphasized.
     
To kick off his War On Obesity, Bush stated that he'll dedicate 36 million dollars to placing crisis counselors in the outlets of American food chains. In addition, according to his proposal, supersize meals will be banned from commercial food outlets on U.S. soil until the Iraqi dictator is removed from office. To counteract any deleterious effects of this ban on the U.S. economy, the President announced that the U.S. government will purchase from a major fast food chain hundreds of thousands of Happy Meals, which American planes will drop on Iraqi villages during the bombings.
     
"Dropping food on villages while we bombed them was enormously effective during the War on Terror in Afghanistan," Bush stated, "but at the same time, we couldn't help thinking that we were missing an opportunity to introduce American culture to the folks who survived the bombings. This is a way to export our culture and help the U.S. economy at the same time."
     
The White House reported today that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge will televise a series of public service announcements encouraging Americans who can't resist the urge to overeat to seal their mouths shut with duct tape until the urge passes. Meanwhile, reporters learned that the money to fund the War On Obesity will come from cutbacks in the food stamps and school lunch programs.

Copyright 2003 All rights reserved by Keetjie Ramo

 

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