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Humor 1-2

	"He has no trouble speaking off the cuff when he's speaking punitively, when he's talking about violence, when he's talking about revenge. I call him the feel-bad president, because he's all about punishment and death." - 'Dyslexicon' by Mark Crispin Miller

Huh? Bush Explains How His Plan Will Protect Social Security February 10, 2005 As his Social Security roadshow pulled into Tampa, Fla., over the weekend, Bush was asked how his plan would ensure that Social Security won't run out of money down the road. Here, straight from the White House Web site, is the president's answer in its entirety: "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. "Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red." "Okay, better? I'll keep working on it." salon.com

"Fool me once, shame ... shame on ... you." Long, uncomfortable pause. "Fool me ... can't get fooled again!" Played for laughs everywhere, Mark Crispin Miller saw a darkness underlying the gaffe. "There's an episode of Happy Days, where The Fonz has to say, `I'm sorry' and can't do it. Same thing," Miller said. "What's revealing about this is that Bush could not say, `Shame on me' to save his life. That's a completely alien idea to him. "

"Bush is not an imbecile. He's not a puppet. I think that Bush is a sociopathic personality. I think he's incapable of empathy. He has an inordinate sense of his own entitlement, and he's a very skilled manipulator. And in all the snickering about his alleged idiocy, this is what a lot of people miss." The Toronto Star, Mark Crispin Miller, 28-Nov-02

“We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defense of our great nation.” - Woodward’s book, “Bush at War.”

"My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. (Applause.) It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times." - Feb. 18, 2002 speech before the Japanese Diet

Bush says scary things:

"You have to keep repeating things to catapult the propaganda" - Athena Performing Arts Center at Greece Athena Middle and High School in Rochester, NY. Tuesday, May 24, 2005

"I'm a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign policy matters with war on my mind." -  Bush proudly bragged to Tim Russert on Meet the Press February 8, 04

At a bill signing ceremony in the White House on August 5, George Bush pulled off his latest verbal gaffe. Captured on film and shown worldwide, as well as on Jay Leno, Bush remarked with his patented smirk, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - WASHINGTON (AP) August 5, 2004

"As you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say." - George W. Bush, October 28, 2003

"Look, our strategy is to create chaos, to create a vacuum...We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defense of our great nation." - George W Bush, 2002.

"But as a result of evil, there's some amazing things that are taking place in America." - Daytona Beach, FL, January 30, 2002.

"You can fool some of the people all of the time and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." - George W. Bush, Gridiron Club dinner, Washington, DC, March 2001

"This is a regime that has something to hide from the civilized world." (Source: The White House)

"I will seize the opportunity to achieve big goals, and we will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defense of this great country and rid the world of evil" - Bush told Bob Woodward shortly after 9-11 for his book, 'Bush at War' 

"God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East." - Bush said in a meeting with Abbas

"I'm the commander, I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the President. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation...." - November 21, 2002 From an interview conducted by Bob Woodward

"There will be no more protests if body bags return home."

"You don't get everything you want. A dictatorship would be a lot easier." Describing what it's like to be governor of Texas. (Governing Magazine 7/98) - From Paul Begala's "Is Our Children Learning?"

"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator," -  Bush joked. CNN.com, December 18, 2000

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it," Bush said. - Business Week, July 30, 2001

"Sometimes things aren't exactly black and white when it comes to accounting procedures." - Washington, D.C., - July 8, 2002.

"I was against peace, prosperity, and incumbency." - June 14, 2001, speaking to Swedish prime minister unaware a live television camera was still rolling. 

"What's all this whining about the environment? They're always talking about "stop the clearcuts." I mean do the math people. If we were out of trees then we wouldn't have any clearcuts to be complaining about now would we?" The National Speculator, March 2000

"Please," Bush whimpers with a smirk and a falsetto voice, his lips pursed in mock desperation, "don't kill me!," - Morbidly imitating Karla Fay Tucker's pleas for mercy with sadistic satisfaction. Of course her execution proceeded.

"Guess what's going to happen to these men?" he grinned at the camera... "They're going to be put to death." Bush beamed in happiness

"I think it's fine, as long as it's Christian prayers. Anything else is un-American." - Commenting on prayers at school football games

"The mission must be to fight and win war and therefore to prevent war from happening in the first place,''

"You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this." - said to Wall Street Journal columnist Al Hunt, 1986.

"There's Adam Clymer -- major league asshole -- from the New York Times," Bush said. "Yeah, big time," returned Cheney. - September 4, 2000, At  a Labor Day event in Naperville, Ill.

"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money."

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." - Austin, Texas, Nov. 22, 2000, Slate

"I will look at each piece of legislation when it makes it to my desk,"

"I will review that when it makes it to my desk."

"We're supposed to have guns. It says so in the Bible; and the second greatest book ever written, the Texas State Constitution." Wyoming Weekly Journal, March 2000

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." - on Linda Chavez, January 2001

"I would like to express my deep condolences for the loss of the Senate," Bush said shortly after hearing of Wellstone's death. - October 24, 2002

"...in order for people to give me sound advice, that information not oughta be public." - March 1, 2002, in reference to the U.S. General Accounting Office's lawsuit

"You know I could run for governor but I'm basically a media creation. I've never done anything. I've worked for my dad. I worked in the oil business. But that's not the kind of profile you have to have to get elected to public office." - George W. Bush, 1989

Bush and the Internet:

"Will highways on the Internet become more few?"

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." - Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is."- gwbush.com

"Have their hearts turned dark as a result of being on the Internet."

"You've heard Al Gore say he invented the internet. Well, if he was so smart, why do all the addresses begin with "W"?"

Bush and the family:

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

Bush says families should, "Put the 'off' button on," to control profanity and violence on TV,

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

Bush and children:

"The question we need to ask: Is our children learning?"

"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."

"There needs to be an effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."

Bush and America:

"But as a result of evil, there's some amazing things that are taking place in America." - Daytona Beach, FL, January 30, 2002.

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."

"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000

"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."

"The American people wants a president that appeals to the angels."

Bush and education:

"The illiteracy level of our children are appalling." - Jan. 23, 2004 

"Education is not my top priority."

"Education is my top priority."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000  

"A more literate country and a hopefuller country."

"After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our fantastic opportunistic society." - Santa Clara, CA, May 1, 2002.

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' - February 21, 2001

"Reading is the basics for all learning." - Announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000

Bush and madmen:

"There is madmen in the world, and there are terror."

"A world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses."

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our Number one priority and we will not rest until we find him!" - George W. Bush, September 13, 2001

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and I really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." - George W. Bush, March 13, 2002

"We cannot let terriers and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''

"I will work to end terriers."

Bush thinks:

"I think there is some methodology in my travels."

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."

"I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."

"I think we agree, the past is over."

Bush says stupid things:

"Are you with us, or are you with the puffins?" December 23, 2002

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."

"So what state is Wales in?"

"The important question is, How many hands have I shacked?"

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000.

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Today we are in London, England. Tomorrow we are off to Genoa, Salami."

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." - June 4, 2001

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes"

"This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot." 

"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically."

"I'm running for President because I'm running for President"

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." - At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." - Jan. 29, 2001.

"And there's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." - to labor department employees, Oct. 4, 2001

Bush says idiotic things:

"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNS aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Sept. 6, 2004

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004

"I don't bring God into my life to to, you know, kind of be a political person." - April 24, 2003

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." - May 19, 2003  

"They misunderestimated me." - Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"I'm very gracious and humbled."

"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know."

"I've got a record, a record that is conservative and a record that is compassionated."

"They have miscalculated me as a leader."

"I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000 

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." - Sept. 23, 2002 

Bush says senseless things:

"He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."

"I want to thank the … people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." Washington, D.C., April 18, 2002

"This issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people." Portland, Ore., Oct. 31, 2000

"I don't need to be subliminabable"

"Our priorities is our faith."

"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans...," (fallibility)

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"

"We ought to make the pie higher."

"We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."

"We're enjoying sluggish times, and not enjoying them very much."

"It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term."

"The fact that he relies on facts--says things that are not factual."

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia--I never interviewed her."

"And so, in my State of the - my State of the Union - or state - my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation - I asked Americans to give 4,000 years - 4,000 hours over the next - the rest of your life - of service to America. That's what I asked - 4,000 hours."