Dear Red States:
Alrightythen! We're ticked off at the way you've treated New Orleans, and we're pretty tired of the way you've treated California, and all of America, and more-or less the entire planet, so we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country,
and the other Blue States are joining us.
In case you aren't aware of the Blue States, that includes California, Hawaii, Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota, New York, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Washington, Wisconsin, and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, to the world, and especially to our people in the new country of New America.
To sum it up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all of the Confederacy's slave states. We get stem cell research and most of the best beaches. We get DC, the SEC, and Elliot Spitzer. You get Houston, Enron, and Ken Lay!
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and
Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get liberal religious tolerance. You get a theocratic police state.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the federal tax revenue. You get to make the Red States pay their fair share - good luck!
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get many happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that New America will be pro-civil liberties,
pro-choice and anti-war, so we're going to want all of our brave,
patriotic citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight unjust "preemptive" wars, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you refuse to show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in imposing democracy on Iraq at gunpoint, and hope those phantom WMDs magically turn up, but we're not willing to squander any more of our precious resources in Bush's Retarded Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 100% of the
West Coast below Canada, 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (guess you'll have to serve French wines at your state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all of the living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all of the the Ivy League and Seven Sister colleges, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. We even get Hollywood and Yosemite - thank you!
On the other hand, in the Red States, you will have to cope with
88% of all the obese Americans and most of the cigarette smokers (and the projected health care costs for both), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of the hypocritical televangelists, Rush "Painkiller-Poppin'" Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
Additionally, 38% of the people in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws or using mini-nukes or fighting preemptive wars, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% still think Saddam was involved in 9/11, and yet 61% of you crazy righties believe you're better people with higher morals than we sane lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good medicinal marijuana to comfort our pain-wracked and terminally-ill people, too. And we're letting our people buy discount pharmaceuticals from Canada (we're talking full-on merger with our northern brethren). You can have all the cheap beer and expensive pills you want. We won't miss Coors, Budweiser, Vioxx, or Oxycontin.
Oh yeah - and you can have Ahnult "The Governator" Schwarzenegger.
Good luck and happy trails to you, Red States!
Sincerely, Unknown Author Living In California, New America.
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September 16, 2005 NOTE TO EDITORS AND READERS: The author of this open letter really is "Anonymous." Please forward this to everyone you know in the Blue States, and to everyone in the Red States who might want to move to New America while they still can!
